By Randi Locke
My relationship with my mom
For most mothers, the day is a time of gratitude. Whether it is thanking the mother we have or thanking the amazing mothers around us, for some, it’s a reminder of what we don’t have. My mother passed away nearly five years ago. So for me, mother’s day is complicated. The relationship I had with my mother was far from ideal. I never felt like she truly loved me. I can count how many happy memories I had with her on both hands. Growing up, I envied those who had close relationships with their mother—talking about how they could confide in them and how nurturing they were. I feared my mother. She controlled everything from what I wore to who I could talk to. To her, I was something that needed to be fixed rather than her child. She emphasized how the rest of the world saw me rather than how I felt—going as far as causing a divide between my sister in hopes of “motivating” me.
I had to be who she wanted. Otherwise, I would have lost the few privileges I had. It was not until she was dying that I saw a different side. She was human, and she shared some of her dreams and regrets with me. So when she died, it left a lot of loose ends I had to resolve myself thanks to the support of my friends and partner and my therapist. So on mother’s day, instead of mourning the mother I had, I regret the one I never had. I distract myself during that day by working or taking care of things around the house. While losing my mother was an event that everyone goes through eventually, no one’s feelings surrounding it will be the same. I asked three people whose mothers are deceased or estranged about what they feel on Mother’s Day. Here is what they had to say. All participants are using an alias to protect their identity.
Charlie’s relationship with his mom
Growing up with a mother like mine was not a walk in the park. My mother abused drugs and alcohol throughout my childhood. Because of this, I experienced physical and emotional abuse. When I turned fourteen, she kicked me out due to a disagreement. We tried to fix our relationship for the next few years, and each attempt fell flat. The last Mother’s Day I spoke to her was eight years ago, and I gave her a card. She declared that we could not fix our relationship upon reading the card. She was stating that “we will always fight.” Mother’s Day is hard for me, and it’s a day I wish I could ignore. But I find spending time with my partner’s mothers makes me feel less alone.
Roxanna’s relationship with his mom
Mother’s Day has always been a sore point. My mother left my siblings and me when I was three months old. Growing up without a mother was difficult. The other kids would bully me for not having one, and I often felt like I was missing something. I finally met her when I was sixteen years old. I wish I could say things improved with her, but they did not. The only time we interacted was on my sixteenth birthday. She ate all of my cake, but she kept trying to force me to go somewhere that made me uncomfortable. Upon meeting her, I decided that I didn’t want kids. How can I be a good mother when I never had an example of one. So for mother’s day, I choose to focus on the good mothers in my life, like my mother-in-law and sister.
Stevie’s relationship with his mom
I have two mothers—the mother that raised the mother that gave birth to me and me. Let’s call them mother and mom. My mother tried the best she could to raise me. Though I have more bad memories with her than good, I am still grateful for her. She constantly compared me to my siblings and made me feel inferior. After years of random fights, I finally told her how she made me think. Now my mother and I are working on having a better relationship. Her living in a different city makes it more accessible. Now the relationship I have with my birth mom is complicated. Growing up, she was in and out of my life. I had never spent more than a day with her. Until she sent me a note telling me how she was trying to get her life in order, she also apologized for not being in my life. I accepted her apology and told her how proud I was. She moved in with me three years later after I offered to help her. At first, it was nice having her around. That was until she started trying to control me. She would constantly criticize me and try to act as she knew better. We were continually arguing, and I had to remind her that she was not the woman who raised me. After I moved out of my old place, we stopped talking. Now I just call my mother on Mother’s Day and spend the rest of the day by myself.
Olive’s relationship with his mom
I don’t feel comfortable talking about my relationship with my mother. But I do feel comfortable sharing my feelings about Mother’s Day. It hurts to know that I don’t get to experience certain milestones with her. I see my friends with their mothers, which makes me miss mine. On Mother’s Day, I like to keep it simple by honoring her. I want to make her favorite meal or order her favorite drink.
Though being without a mother is hard on Mother’s Day, we at least know that we are not the only ones with this feeling.
