When I was 27 I lost my father. The experience was so traumatic that it changed me. I became very sick. I couldn’t sleep. My behavior was erratic. Isolation became a routine. I was in a state of deep depression and dealing with it the same way so many of our people do: alone.
My father was dead and I never dealt with the pain of that loss. And because I did not know the proper way to heal, I found ways to numb the pain. But of course that never works. Because when you make yourself numb, you miss out on unpleasant emotions, as well as the emotions like love and exultation. Also, there is something called the principle of reduced returns. According to this principle, each time you do something you enjoy, you get less pleasure from it, until eventually it no longer satisfies you. So the methods I employed to numb myself stopped working. And when the emotional pain hit, it was overwhelming.
Overcoming the emotional strain of trauma is crucial. Often, we get caught in these cycles of dysfunctional behavior. And like a hamster on a wheel, we never go anywhere. I call that process without progress. How many of us lose loved ones, drink to deal with the pain and just make drinking too much a part of our lives? How many of us get abused and become bitter and angry and hold on to the hurt so tightly that the agony becomes our new significant other? How many of us make bad relationship decisions, regret them, then repeat them? Why are we making these mistakes over and over again? And how can we break free of these patterns to live a life of joy and fulfillment?
The way out of this toxic cycle is to learn the proper way to heal. In the religion of Hinduism, the adherents believe in reincarnation, the idea that after you die, you come back to earth in a new body. And when you make a mistake, or need to learn a particular lesson, you keep coming back to the same experiences, until you figure out how to break the cycle. Then, you can move on to a higher level of existence. It’s the same principle with us. We keep making the same mistakes, so we get stuck in the same place until we learn and move on. Learning how to heal from trauma will give us the power to find freedom.
Here are some things that can release us from the grip of emotional suffering.
Acknowledge how you feel. It’s okay to admit that you are hurting. People have this strange ritual when people ask us how we feel, no matter how miserable we are, we tend to say what we believe people want to hear. We give positive answers, despite the negative feelings we are experiencing. This habit is keeping us from getting what we need from each other, which is support. No one can support you if you are in denial. Remember, you don’t have to be invincible. Let yourself be fully human, or you will eventually lose your humanity. Be honest about you pain. That’s the only way that the pain can be exorcised.
Make sure you give yourself time. How much time does it take to heal from trauma? There is no time signature for how long that process can take. But you can’t rush through it. You can rush as much as you want. The pain will still be there, until you learn to deal with it. And dealing with it requires patience. After the devastation of a traumatic event, you will need to time to build yourself up again. Then, you will need time to become reacquainted with yourself, or to become familiar with the ways that you have changed. So give yourself the time you need to observe what is going on within, so you can truly heal.
Take an opportunity to tell people you trust that you need support. Say that you need someone to talk to. Throughout human history, we as a species have always faced challenges. We have continuously survived because of our ability to stick together. Those that truly care for you will tend to your well being. Allow your loved ones a chance to nurture you in a manner that each of you will find fulfilling and empowering. This is true regarding challenges in the physical world and in our intellectual/emotional/spiritual existence. Get the help you need when you need it.
It is important to remember that alcohol and drugs should never be used as a surrogate for a real support system. A true support system will assist you and empower you during tough times, until you become independent. A support system strengthens you. Alcohol and other drugs will exacerbate your dependency. The specific goal of drug use during times of mourning or depression is to reduce how much you feel when your emotional state seems unmanageable. However, when you can’t feel, you won’t heal. What you need is real support.
Finally, a very important piece of the healing process is to help others. This is not to say that you should begin confronting other people’s issues while you are still dealing with your own painful circumstances. It’s important to take time to work on stabilizing yourself. That process must not be interrupted or cut short. However, in my experience, when you have properly gone through your healing process, finding ways to help other people who are suffering can give you a sense of community and power that can be transformative. It can change your life forever and deepen your happiness. And that is what healing is about: making it through the dark times and finding yourself in the light, a better and more satisfied person.
Our community is dealing with a tremendous amount of trauma. There’s so much pain and so many of us are have been dealing with it for far too long. The time has come for us to collectively heal, so we can reconnect to each other and ourselves.
