As I look in the mirror at myself, entering adulthood I wouldn’t think nor would I imagine my life would be the way it is now. As a child, I just wanted to be beautiful. I thought I was ugly and hated my looks. My bushy eyebrows use to connect at my nose; my teeth were crooked like I chewed on rocks. My hair was kinky, and would shrink if it wasn’t blow dried, but I hate getting it comb so I would run away. I would look in the mirror and cry because I thought I was hideous. I was brown skin and my sisters were light skin, and for some reason I wanted to be light skin too. No matter how many times my mother or my grandmother called me a Beautiful Black Queen; I just didn’t feel it because it was not my father calling me beautiful. I remember when I got student of the month and my mom took the family out to Red Lobster and my father was there eating with his family. I wanted to just run away because it was like he didn’t even know I existed. It was like no matter how special my mother made me felt and how great she took care of me, it just didn’t fill that void of him not being around.
Let me fast forward to becoming a teen. By 13, I got braces, a start to trying to improve my looks. I got a relaxer, and a lot of you ladies just know the emotional rollercoaster that caused in our lives, so I’m not going get to in depth of that, but you know the joy we get from a relaxer. Hair all long and silky, then the next few months’ hair shedding and breaking off. By 19, I went natural. Also, I got a summer job; I was able to buy myself material things. I could get my hair, nails, toes & eyebrows done all the time. I was able to keep myself on point. I was working and in school, getting ready to be a college student. I was satisfied life was great and I didn’t have crazy responsibilities, but I did have qualities in life that were needed to be learn at this point in life. I was feeling myself. My attitude was horrible. By 18, I met my father, and all the hurt and resentment that I thought I had let go came back. I said the most hateful and nastiest comments to him one time when we got into an argument, it resulted in us not talking for months, and I didn’t care if we have ever spoke again. I had gotten cocky. You couldn’t tell me anything, because in my mind I thought I had it all. I got in trouble almost every day in school. Completing my school work was not a problem, it was just interacting with authority was my problem. I did not like authority at all. I did not like rules, it was my way and it was going be my way only. I had a hard time, pointing out who was really there for me and who was not. I was just happy to fit in, and be accepted. I was getting attention from guys, and I can’t lie I was loving it. But it wasn’t good attention at all. If our lives only came with an instruction manual, I’m telling y’all, life would be a breeze. I knew better, I was taught better, but at this time in my life, I just didn’t care. I was going to accept the consequences, and do it all over again. I had morals, but I did not care to put them to use in my life, especially when dealing with the opposite sex. I was ready to do things that should not be done. I wanted to see what was the hype, what were all my friends talking about. I wanted to be able to put my input into the conversation. I wanted to relate with my friends. But what I failed to realize was that neither me nor my friends were ready for any of that. Once you give it up, the attention stops and it’s on to the next one. I was at one point okay with that, because we both got what we want, so everything is okay right? Wrong! It wasn’t love at all, it was only lust but I was young to differentiate the two.
When I sit back and reflect on myself now being 22, I laugh at everything. I had to lose things, to learn that those things had no significance in my life. I had to cut relationships in my life, to have peace. I had to learn the difference between positive and negative energy, and not deal with things that took me out of character. I had to learn what it is to be love for who you are and not lust over what you have. I had to learn how to love as well, and express myself in a more peaceful way. I had to learn to do things for me, not for everybody else. I had to learn to love me for me. I had to learn to forgive my father, and let go of the hurt and the insecurities. I had to learn to listen, and not be so quick to have a slick comeback, and get so offensive. I had to learn to be in charge, and fall back in life when necessary. I tell myself all the time, if only you had listened fool, you wouldn’t even went through that. But then I ask myself what would happen if I did listen? What would happen if I did live a “perfect” life? Would not seeing my mother struggle to give me a good life, make me less independent? Would I learn anything following rules? If never cussed that person, would they ever left me alone? If I never took that leap of faith, would I still just be dreaming? If I left my boyfriend message unread, would I ever experience real love? If I didn’t cut the relaxer out my hair, would my hair still be breaking off? From the serious to the less serious choices in my life, I always ask what if? Then that when I realize that no matter how bad or how good a decision was, that’s what made me who I am today. I’m thankful for those moments; they each were a lessons learned and turning points in life. I’m grateful to be a strong, intelligent, enthusiastic, outspoken, loving, independent black woman who have a hard time dealing with bs because she know she will spazz, but just learning about life every step she takes.
