By Randi Locke, Northend Agent’s
A personal essay on how I am getting it together in a time when nothing is together.
It is easy to lose yourself as a woman in these times. To see legislations and rights we grew up thinking would be around forever being stripped away is exhausting. From losing Roe V Wade in 2021 to the Equal Rights Amendment constantly being under fire, it feels like there is little to be happy about. Months like women’s history should reflect how far we have come to feel hollow. Though the fight to keep the rights we have continues, I cannot help but feel a tinge of sadness. Growing up I learned how women like Sojourner Truth, Ida B Wells, and Marsha P Johnson fought for women’s rights. But now I feel like I am on edge; constantly looking at the news wondering what else we could lose. Amid disarray and tragedy, we cannot lose ourselves. Poet Toi Derricotte said that the biggest act of resistance is joy. But for me at this moment, my resistance comes in peace. Learning how to take care of my physical, mental, and spiritual well-being is what centers me. Especially after neglecting these aspects for so long.
For years I felt like I did not have time to take care of myself. At one point I only had one day off every other week between work and school. During that time, I said that I would get my health together when I graduated. Then when I started working it wasn’t the right time. It was not until I got fired from my first job as a cosmetologist and was unemployed for a month that the mere thought of focusing on myself crossed my mind. You would think crying in a Walmart parking lot to Hot To Go would have been a wake-up call. But unfortunately, it took going through the same toxic cycle of working two jobs and more sob sessions in parking lots for me to get it together. Now keep in mind this did not include the doom scrolling on Indeed or the amount of emergency plans I created in case things go sideways. But one day I was just tired of being tired. I spent the majority of my energy and time panicking and running around, only for the milestones I thought I would hit not to pan out. I started by upping my therapist appointments. After getting fired I made sure that I was in therapy to help cope with it. But despite being in therapy I was still in the same chaotic cycle and mindset. One of the first things I did to break it was quit one of my jobs. Though it was a job that was not only in an unhealthy environment but caused me a great deal of stress, I felt like letting it go was a disservice to my goals. I felt like taking things off my plate meant accepting mediocrity.
While my therapist, friends, and husband constantly remind me that everyone functions on a different timeline, I could not help but feel like putting energy into myself meant settling.
Now more than ever I feel like there is less room to be an ordinary woman anymore. What I mean is when I was growing up it used to be okay to be in the ordinary. You know work a regular job, have a few hobbies or two and that’s all you need to feel complete. Now it’s two drastic extremes. You either have to be a mogul in the making before you even reach thirty or a domestic goddess with amazing self-control and even better loaves of bread. While I know these two extremes are the result of trying times, it left me wondering what about women like me. What about women like me who suck at keeping a clean house? What about women like me who don’t make six figures before they turn thirty? How can we stay afloat if we are constantly swimming against a riptide? While I know the current will always be strong, it doesn’t mean I can’t try to swim closer to shore.
Letting go of expectations is hard. Trying not to cling to new ones is even harder. It started with me learning how to take care of my physical health. I admit I did fall into the TikTok
shop trap and bought a stepper sitting in my living room, but thankfully that is as far down the pipeline as I went. It takes a lot of effort to not fall into the diet pitfalls and whatever new GLP-1 of the week they come up with. I learned that with my physical health to do what I can. Right now that means eliminating my beloved frozen pierogies in exchange for seven-grain blends, and lean meats instead of my emergency pork chops. I even have a motivational water bottle now. What followed was finally admitting that maybe the work I was doing on my mental health was not what I needed. This was a hard course correct but after feeling myself slipping at work and home, I felt like it was time to get on medication. Another thing I thought I would get to when the time was right. But as I have learned, there is only so much time I can put myself off before it catches up to me. Though this felt like a setback, I kept reminding myself that even trying to change is progress enough.
This is a lesson that we will continue to learn. Even when the chaos seems to outweigh the progress, all that matters is that we at least showed up for ourselves. It’s little things like no longer crying in parking lots, saying no to that event you did not want to go to, or pursuing what makes you happy just because. I wish I could say that prioritizing myself made me forget about all the wrong things, but it did make me feel less out of control. I could even say that it made me happier. While reading about my journey might not be revolutionary, I hope it makes you feel less alone.
