By Sharon McCoy
Tis’ the season that everyone dusts off their juicers & blenders and pull out the gym bags. It is during this season that we download “Eye of the Tiger” and every song from Creed, put on our favorite workout gear, and boldly walk into the gyms around the nation. First stop, the scale; conveniently located right in front of the mirror. The goal is to subliminally shame you into going a little farther…upgrading to a personal trainer, bootcamp or professional meal planner. For the nutrition industry, fatphobia works!
I was alway a chubby child. I hated going to family functions. I felt so unprotected. As we would load into our station wagon during the holiday season, I would be both excited to see cousins and mentally preparing myself for the poking, joking and insulting of my body. I was fat and every effort I made to be un-fat always ended with me still being some form of fat. The only response I knew to have was to agree with the common consensus: Hate yourself, until you become skinny! Skinny is sexy. Fat is nasty, lazy and gross. This is just referring to my outer appearance. This did not include universal scare tactics used making me feel like if I continued to be fat, I would die! As a child, all I knew was to live in fear and resentment of my body. “One day, my fat body is going to kill me,” I thought.
I grew up declaring that every year was going to be my year to get to my healthiest self. I literally had no idea what that was. I took all the thermo weight loss pills. I started all the diet groups. Nothing worked. If I couldn’t get skinny, at least me and skinny girls had one thing in common: we both hated fatness!
The concept of being in a loving relationship with someone who saw me as worth their love, was something that was dangled in front of my eyes, like a carrot, to keep me motivated to continue to hate my body enough to do whatever it takes to get skinny. So, brainwashed against myself, I decided that I was not date-able.n I mean even if I lost the weight, there was always the fear of gaining it back and losing everything I loved! Traumatized, I christened myself, “The Fat, Funny Friend.” I began to beat people to the punch with insulting my body. I could make a room crack up with jokes against myself. Humor was my mask to keep people from noticing me. I was beautiful, intelligent, articulate, creative, and anointed, yet never affirmed. Therefore, I was emotionally feral.
One day, I was watching TV, and a beautiful, chubby comedian was dancing like Beyonce. I was immediately hooked. I began to look for other events that she hosted. She was so funny and confident. She began promoting her book, “Skinny Women are Evil!” It was a love letter to the chubby community of all sizes and shapes! I read every word of it. I wept. Monique was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful.
For the first time, I didn’t ignore the mirror when getting out of the shower. I stopped making fat jokes against myself. I began to see other people shaped like me as beautiful. I didn’t moralize my body shape. Monique gave me hope and ushered me into losing my largest weight: fatphobic induced self-hatred!
Years have gone by. I gained weight. I suffered the tragedy of losing my mother. I have achieved FOUR degrees, and then I had VSG surgery. I have lost 87 pounds. I still have more to lose. I had the surgery to rid my body of diabetes. I destroyed diabetes. I have moved to a new continent. I am in my dream job. I am writing. I am open to being vulnerable. I want people to see me. I love every inch of my body, mind, spirit, personality! Here is what I realized. Even with all of the accolades, the people that criticized me in the guise of “caring for my well-being” is still criticizing me. Am I losing weight fast enough? Why didn’t I just go Keto? Why didn’t I use whatever fatphobic weight-loss group that their random fatphobic friend used to lose weight? Are you worried about excessive skin? Why are you now wearing such revealing clothing (even though I was showing skin at 340 lbs)?… The fact is, I realized that losing fatphobia was deeply connected to losing all of its agents. Insecure voices, scales, and diet programs are all part of a systemic fatphobic construct. This included Fatphobic compliments. You know the…”look at you, gett’n sexy” and “Now you gon’ get you a man!” or my favorite, “Ohhh girl, you are getting big, I’m glad you are taking better care of yourself!” These are all back-handed fatphobic compliments that no longer served me. I love every part of me and knew exactly what kind of affirmation I was going to accept. Fatphobia and I officially have broken up. I also realized that when I broke up with fatphobia, I broke up with food addiction-It was all connected.
As we begin a new year. Check your motives for wanting better for yourself. You will not enjoy what is next until you lose EVERY form of self-hatred. Your addictions are connected to your phobias. If you are going to the gym to get healthy, make it about creating a system that makes you happy. Make gym friends, dance, start a new hobby, and have fun. Skip the scale! In 2024, Tis the season to lose fatphobia!
