By Sharon McCoy B.S., MEd, MEd…
It’s the holiday season. This means that we are a few months into “cuffing season.” The early nights, cooler weather, soft blankets, white lights and holiday decorations are a few of the reasons that make having a special person in your life seem amazing. Being single can be amazing and it can also be a struggle navigating romance during the holidays. Listen, this is going to be a different holiday season! We are not going to be plagued with feeling awkward during the best season of the year! We are going to walk in our self-love confidence during the holiday season, and we will not be intimidated by awkward questions from family members (in unhappy relationships). about our singleness. We are too healed for those shenanigans.
It’s crazy that we live in a world that defines being single as the absence of a romantic life-partner. There was a time in my life that I thought that having a life-partner was the greatest accomplishment a woman could ask for. So, I spent my life reading books teaching me how to be the perfect partner. I went to all the Saved & Single conferences. I listened to every sermon, podcast and symposium on how to attract the perfect partner. Until one day I realized that none of them described any of my attributes. I’m a chubby, outspoken, resilient and loyal woman who loves shaving her head. According to all of these romance resources, I and people who looked like me were not the prize. I seriously thought that I had so much work to do on myself, and one day, when I reached status quo perfection, I would meet my life partner.
Then I went to therapy.
In therapy, I learned how much I hated myself. I also learned that this self-hatred was a learned behavior that I received from church-don’t cancel me yet! I am a Christ follower, who sees value in a faith community. But, I also recognize the toxicity that I ingested when I took everything from the pulpit as truth! I learned that humans are way too complex to be categorized as good or bad. I learned that I first need to fall in love with myself. Fall in love with my imperfections. I needed to romance myself. Find out what I liked, and surprise myself with it. So, I grabbed a good journal and my pink pen, and began this journey of self-love.
I wrote myself letters. I went on walks. I asked myself questions. I bought myself gifts, went on trips, and took myself to events, concerts, and dinner dates. I learned what I loved. I celebrated the things that I loved. I also experimented with new things to see If I could love more things…I’m still doing that. I found out how much I love local coffee shops, bookstores, cafes, farmers markets and Weekend morning road trips. I learned how much I loved doing outreach. I learned how much I loved to entertain people. In the end I learned the value of my single life. In my efforts to be perfect, I was allowing other partners to create their definition of loving me. That did not work. Through therapy, I healed from the inside-out. Now, I can give detailed instructions on how to love me! Like a lover, I am protective of what I love…ME!
So, now that I’ve done the mental health work, I am ready for the holidays! When you take ‘people pleasing’ out of the equation, It is easy. I am in control. I answer the questions that I want to answer. I go out with whom I want to go out with! I am experimenting, trying to figure out what I will love in life-partner. I travel. I shop. I think. I take lots of naps. When my family asks about my relationship status, I tell them that I no longer identify as single. I am not alone. I have myself to love. I have a circle of friends that love me and I need them to. I have a family that respects my boundaries. I have the strength to walk away from whatever does not serve me! I love me. I am walking into this holiday, in love with me. Looking forward to new ways I will learn to love me during the Holiday season. !
Sharon McCoy is a Gary, Indiana native, who currently resides in Decatur, Alabama. She is the founder of www.devastatedtoflourish.com a blog and future 501(3)© dedicated to giving abused people the tools necessary to begin their healing journey. She went from being a cult survivor to having two Masters Degrees in Early Childhood Education and ECE SPED. She has been teaching since 2003. Currently, she teaches in her local community. She is a bold and loving empoweress who is passionate about education, mental health, spirituality and healing. She looks forward to using her writing to bring people one step closer to their power found in their personal healing journey.
