Dr. Bethany Cook
Being an adult isn’t always as fun as we thought it would be when we were little. Yes we get to “do whatever we want” but we also have to clean-up other peoples puke, wipe little bums, maintain the mental load of the daily lives of our child’s needs, be a teacher, mentor and rule enforcer, as well as the comforter, hug giver and praise offerer all while trying to balance everything else in your life.
Allowing and offering your children age appropriate chores is a great way to free up some time for yourself. It also builds self-confidence in them as they successfully complete tasks which improve the flow and functioning of the family system.
Clinical Psychologist, Health Service Psychologist, Adjunct Professor, a Board Certified Music Therapist, Dr. Bethany Cook shares 3 Simple Steps to Motivate Your Kid To Do Their Chores:
“Mary Poppins” It – The gist of the magic of Mary Poppins is that she makes the ordinary extraordinary. How does she do this? By making boring jobs fun. This is a great way to teach your children basic life skills that over time begin to feel mundane yet are important.
#1 BEDAZZLE THE BORING: That’s your first task in teaching your children basic life skills. Find a way to make it fun. (Again if they are young you don’t have to try very hard…just give them your undivided attention for 5-15 minutes and teach them a task). If they are teenagers you might have to get a little creative to get them excited about mundane tasks that are necessary to keep a home running smoothly. – You can buy different/funny dishwashing sponges, let them choose the scent of the soap and maybe purchase gloves they can wear when doing dishes. Curtail the argument by providing the appropriate tools to be successful. – If you have wood floors strap some rags to their feet and have a “dance cleaning” party as you scrub and polish. Share with them a story about your own childhood when you were learning the same task. Were your parents kind or harsh? We all enjoy doing things when we are having fun…so show them how it’s done.
#2 KISS: (Keep It Simple Smartie) A task should be broken down into parts and presented in its most basic form. When my children were around 2 years old one of their daily jobs was to help me feed the dogs. They had 3 steps:
Open the food bin. (lift the lid)
Measure out the food with the measuring cup (make it successful by using a measuring cup that they can “fill” which is the appropriate amount.)
Dump the food into the dog bowl (it helps if the dogs are trained to sit and wait until released or they could hurt small children in their excitement to get to their food.)
Now, at ages 5 and 6, they take turns feeding the dogs and I know they can do this successfully. I don’t need to monitor them nor take time out of my day to do it. It’s been checked from my “to do” list and written off my “mental load”.
I will give you a non-dog example: matching socks. Let’s face it, unless you just buy 1 color, you will forever be sorting socks the rest of your mortal life unless you have a housekeeper or partner who enjoys doing it, or you don’t care if socks match (totally fine too.)
Gather the single socks and spread them out (a bed, dining room table) and have your child “find the match.”
Make it a game and whoever finds the most matches wins. Or for those non-competitive homes you say something like “We are all gonna work together to find matches and once we find as many as we can we all get something special (whatever your reward system is…try to avoid always using the same reward and keep food or extra screen time at a minimum. Instead of food rewards you can create a “success chart” and add stickers for each task completed. Once your child has reached a certain number they get: 1:1 time with you at a park/movies, to invite a friend over for a playdate, request their favorite family meal, earn money, get an extra ½ added to their curfew, etc.)
Put matched socks away in their proper drawer.
#3 MEAN WHAT YOU SAY AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN : Just like Mary Poppins, I’ve learned that being kind but firm and consistent with expectations/offering privileges makes it easier for all parties involved. Much of my professional work with parents is helping them understand they are not doing their child any favors by letting them “get away” with bad behavior “just this once” (which is a slippery slope to start down).
Often, the parent reluctantly admitted when they let things “slide” it was because it was inconvenient for them to stop what they were doing and kindly help their child complete the required task.
Some have even admitted they didn’t realize the long-term impact of not enforcing rules when their children were young and happily help them succeed in small but meaningful ways. They are now “paying it” trying as they struggle to manage their teenager who doesn’t have a strong foundation of basic expectations and respect for self and others.
Everyday, we as primary caregivers pick what battles we want to fight with our kids and by the end of the day we are exhausted. I get it. Nevertheless, that feeling shouldn’t override the need to get up “one more time” to show your child how to complete a required task.
They won’t need constant hand holding forever if they are empowered to confidently complete tasks which benefit themselves and the family in the moment. We all want to feel needed and helpful. So let them.
#4 THE WRAP-UP – That’s it. Make the task fun, keep the steps as simple as possible, enforce them as kindly and positively as you can and be consistent in your expectations.
